Re Dedication

Re Dedication

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This from Naraya spoke to me:

***
NOW more than ever is the time to radically dedicate ourselves to our INNER WORK, face our shadows, with utter respect, self-love, compassion release remaining woundedness, trauma, negativity, toxicity, attachments, entities, dark agreements, ego fixations, false identities, notions, roles, names, games …

let’em go, let’em go, let’em go

forgive, forgive, forgive

meditate, meditate, meditate
***

Things that we read or hear sometimes resonate with where we are. I certainly feel the need to focus on, to do the ‘inner work’. There is a sense of urgency. I suppose that I could just get on with it and work on stuff without talking about it but that’s not where I am. What I am becomes part of my outer as well as my inner dialogue and, well, you don’t have to give a crap, but I’m writing about it on Facebook because inner work and inner dialogue has to be externalised somehow. Certainly I feel a pressure to externalise it. And sometimes it helps having an audience, real or imagined as we speak from the stage or platform that social media gives us.

We don’t know who we are speaking to. Sometimes writing on FB is like speaking from a stage to a darkened auditorium. Don’t know who’s there, don’t know if anybody’s there. It’s quiet. Usually it’s quiet, sometimes there’s some applause, sometimes someone makes a comment, but for the most part it’s quiet. That’s good. Anyone’s welcome to join me on the stage when I speak, but I’m okay with monologue. Used to it.

I’m not talking politically or philosophically now. I’m not doing ‘sad fishing’ or whatever put-down phrase the young people are using now. My life is good and happy, probably a lot better than I deserve but tonight I choose to talk from the inside. Perhaps it’s going to be crap, perhaps is going to help us have a real dialogue, either way, I’m going to talk a bit, until it’s time to go to bed. Stream of consciousness stuff – not planned at all – and I’m pouring myself another portion of whiskey. A new practice (not habit) but not to worry, it only a little to make the water more interesting.

Now, where was I ..

Reflecting, personally, speaking personally. I think we need to do this because the way the world is pretty crap. Not so much for me. I’m 66 and have a decent home, a liveable income, a family that makes me feel loved and appreciated and no significant disabilities. But there is a climate emergency, the environment is a mess and there are tens of thousands nukes on the planet and shitty politicians are planning to bomb, and already bombing, the crap out of innocent people for God knows what reasons and people are sleeping on the streets and begging and kids are killing each other and no one seems to care. No one seems to understand that there is a need to change everything. Everything, inside and out. I suppose that good people think that they can’t do anything about it all, so what’s the good of talking.

“Are you okay Gavin?” I hear someone ask.

NO!

I’m not OK.
You’re not OK
The world’s not OK

But that’s OK if we can take that as our starting point.

” …a warrior starts off with the CERTAINTY that his spirit is off balance; then by living in full control and awareness, but without hurry or compulsion, he does his ultimate best to gain this balance”

Carlos Castaneda.

I am surely certain that my spirit is off balance. It has always been off balance. But I’ve not been doing my ‘ultimate best’ to gain balance. I’ve never done this and I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of people in the world haven’t either and the pretence that THIS is okay bothers me.

I think THIS is why I’m writing. I want to take this seriously, deeply and I want other people to take THIS seriously and for us to create something together. I don’t want to join anything or want to lead anything. I want us to start thinking together and talking together and changing together inside and out.

A few days ago in response to a conversation Tom Morley initiated I wrote:

“As an introvert I am pretty useless at the surface levels of conversation, gossip about people, talk about cars, sports, shopping etc but I do politics, philosophy and personal reflection whenever encouraged because that’s what’s going on inside. And therein lies the danger of the offered platform to the introvert – greater vulnerability to giving too much information and assuming intimacy than is, in actuallity, illusory.”

Tom suggested that my ‘Therein lies the danger of the offered platform to the introvert’ would be a ‘good subject for a talk/article’. I guess that this might be it.

The danger, of course, is that taking to the stage, I become tempted, compelled, to throw all my clothes off. This the danger of any public platform to at least this introvert. The warning signals comes up “stop you’re giving too much information”, “don’t give in to the temptation to throw your clothes off in public”. And yes I do stop, I have limits, but these limits, I think, exist because aspects of my life are not mine alone to share. Nevertheless the ‘stripping’, while not going the ‘Full Monty’ can be more revealing than is conventional or than is comfortable for me or for those to whom I am revealing myself.

Intense discomfort is the danger. But there are of course other dangers. It is one thing to open your mouth and be considered a fool … but one thing leads to another and it’s another thing to open our mouths and be considered a threat. One thing to take off our own clothes and another thing to point out that the emperor has no clothes. The story never told us what happened to the kid but I guess we know. If we don’t we haven’t been paying attention.

Getting naked on the stage risks our dignity and sometimes, in extremes, our lives but not dropping the clothes of our own pretentions and illusions and our collusions with naked lies risks the loss of any truth that may remain in us.

The Good Will

The Good Will

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“Nothing can possibly be conceived in the world, or even out of it, which can be called good, without qualification, except a good will. Intelligence, wit, judgment, and the other talents of the mind, however they may be named, or courage, resolution, perseverance, as qualities of temperament, are undoubtedly good and desirable in many respects; but these gifts of nature may also become extremely bad and mischievous if the will which is to make use of them, and which, therefore, constitutes what is called character, is not good. It is the same with the gifts of fortune. Power, riches, honor, even health, and the general well-being and contentment with one’s condition which is called happiness, inspire pride, and often presumption, if there is not a good will to correct the influence of these on the mind, and with this also to rectify the whole principle of acting and adapt it to its end. The sight of a being who is not adorned with a single feature of a pure and good will, enjoying unbroken prosperity, can never give pleasure to an impartial rational spectator. Thus a good will appears to constitute the indispensable condition even of being worthy of happiness.

“There are even some qualities which are of service to this good will itself and may facilitate its action, yet which have no intrinsic unconditional value, but always presuppose a good will, and this qualifies the esteem that we justly have for them and does not permit us to regard them as absolutely good. Moderation in the affections and passions, self-control, and calm deliberation are not only good in many respects, but even seem to constitute part of the intrinsic worth of the person; but they are far from deserving to be called good without qualification, although they have been so unconditionally praised by the ancients. For without the principles of a good will, they may become extremely bad, and the coolness of a villain not only makes him far more dangerous, but also directly makes him more abominable in our eyes than he would have been without it.

“A good will is good not because of what it performs or effects, not by its aptness for the attainment of some proposed end, but simply by virtue of the volition [a ‘volition’ is an ‘act of will’, a ‘willing’]; that is, it is good in itself, and considered by itself is to be esteemed much higher than all that can be brought about by it in favour of any inclination, nay even of the sum total of all inclinations. Even if it should happen that, owing to special disfavour of fortune, or the stingy provision of a step-motherly nature, this will should wholly lack power to accomplish its purpose, if with its greatest efforts it should yet achieve nothing, and there should remain only the good will (not, to be sure, a mere wish, but the summoning of all means in our power), then, like a jewel, it would still shine by its own light, as a thing which has its whole value in itself. Its usefulness or fruitfulness can neither add nor take away anything from this value. It would be, as it were, only the setting to enable us to handle it the more conveniently in common commerce, or to attract to it the attention of those who are not yet connoisseurs, but not to recommend it to true connoisseurs, or to determine its value.”

Kant

Challenge

Challenge

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Thank you to Sandy and everyone else donating to the Alzheimer’s Society cause and cheering me on as I staggered in after the Thames Path Challenge walk. I was really on my last legs at the end of the challenge. I started off strong and the first 14 km was fine and I was going at a good pace. I pushed myself during the second quarter, jogging as well as walking, until tiredness and what felt like a strained muscle near my groin forced me to slow down. I enjoyed the rainfall as I came in to the second rest stop near the halfway point. During the third quarter my pace had slowed to a comfortable stroll and at the third rest point I was beginning to feel very stiff and did not dare rest long. The last quarter was quite difficult. The distance completed was signposted at every kilometer and I was counting down the distance I still had to go. I calculated that I was walking at about 1 km per 12 minutes. As I got to the finish completely drained Sandy, Lisa, Dane, Orin, Anita, Maricia, Zaharah and Xavier were waiting and cheered me in.

By the time we got home I could hardly move my legs and I still feel stiff. I would like to do the Thames Challenge again next year, it is well organised and the route is good, but I would wish to be much better prepared. I left the plea for sponsorship to the last moment and my preparation for walking was zero. I depended on general fitness and determination and that was only just enough. Sandy was clearly much more worried about the challenge than I was and is very relieved. I would love to say that I’ve learnt my lesson and an old dog can learn new habits but we will see.

The Alzheimer’s Society is a charity I would support in the future for reasons beyond my own mother’s struggle with the disease. I think that supporting those who are old and have cognitive impairments is extremely important and we need to pay more attention to this.

Air and Water

Air and Water

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During our short stay in Manchester Sandy and I went underwater at Sealife and I was carried aloft on columns of air at Airkix. We saw two plays, Harold Pinter’s ‘The Birthday Present’, and Shakespeare’s ‘King Lear’. We enjoyed seeing the very impressive Trafford Centre and travelling on the tram network.

Age is not the Issue

Age is not the Issue

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I like the message that age in itself is not a barrier. No one knows how long we have to live (actually, not potentially) at any age, what matters is being fully ourselves in the present; for some this may mean throwing ourselves into entrepreneurship, for others it’s creativity or learning or adventure or whatever launches your boat, maybe all of it.

Sometimes it’s harder when we’re older because (usually) there is less physical energy and health, sometimes it’s easier because of the experience and resources we’ve accumulated. In any case are where we are and it’s the only place we can move from.

Being an entrepreneur doesn’t do it for me even though I’ve registered a company, but this evening I attended an Aikido class, on Wednesday evening I’m at a Tai Chi Chi class and on Thursday evening a Wing Chun class. It’s painful but it’s part of a path I’m drawn to and the pull to do it has become more powerful, and more of an expression of my being, than the resistance to doing it.

C’est le Souffle des Ancêtres

C’est le Souffle des Ancêtres

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SOUFFLE DE BIRAGO DIOP
Ecoute plus souvent
Les Choses que les Etres
La Voix du Feu s’entend,
Entends la Voix de l’Eau.
Ecoute dans le Vent
Le Buisson en sanglots :
C’est le Souffle des ancêtres.
Ceux qui sont morts ne sont jamais partis :
Ils sont dans l’Ombre qui s’éclaire
Et dans l’ombre qui s’épaissit.
Les Morts ne sont pas sous la Terre :
Ils sont dans l’Arbre qui frémit,
Ils sont dans le Bois qui gémit,
Ils sont dans l’Eau qui coule,
Ils sont dans l’Eau qui dort,
Ils sont dans la Case, ils sont dans la Foule :
Les Morts ne sont pas morts.
Ecoute plus souvent
Les Choses que les Etres
La Voix du Feu s’entend,
Entends la Voix de l’Eau.
Ecoute dans le Vent
Le Buisson en sanglots :
C’est le Souffle des Ancêtres morts,
Qui ne sont pas partis
Qui ne sont pas sous la Terre
Qui ne sont pas morts.
Ceux qui sont morts ne sont jamais partis :
Ils sont dans le Sein de la Femme,
Ils sont dans l’Enfant qui vagit
Et dans le Tison qui s’enflamme.
Les Morts ne sont pas sous la Terre :
Ils sont dans le Feu qui s’éteint,
Ils sont dans les Herbes qui pleurent,
Ils sont dans le Rocher qui geint,
Ils sont dans la Forêt, ils sont dans la Demeure,
Les Morts ne sont pas morts.
Ecoute plus souvent
Les Choses que les Etres
La Voix du Feu s’entend,
Entends la Voix de l’Eau.
Ecoute dans le Vent
Le Buisson en sanglots,
C’est le Souffle des Ancêtres.
Il redit chaque jour le Pacte,
Le grand Pacte qui lie,
Qui lie à la Loi notre Sort,
Aux Actes des Souffles plus forts
Le Sort de nos Morts qui ne sont pas morts,
Le lourd Pacte qui nous lie à la Vie.
La lourde Loi qui nous lie aux Actes
Des Souffles qui se meurent
Dans le lit et sur les rives du Fleuve,
Des Souffles qui se meuvent
Dans le Rocher qui geint et dans l’Herbe qui pleure.
Des Souffles qui demeurent
Dans l’Ombre qui s’éclaire et s’épaissit,
Dans l’Arbre qui frémit, dans le Bois qui gémit
Et dans l’Eau qui coule et dans l’Eau qui dort,
Des Souffles plus forts qui ont pris
Le Souffle des Morts qui ne sont pas morts,
Des Morts qui ne sont pas partis,
Des Morts qui ne sont plus sous la Terre.
Ecoute plus souvent
Les Choses que les Etres
La Voix du Feu s’entend,
Entends la Voix de l’Eau.
Ecoute dans le Vent
Le Buisson en sanglots,
C’est le Souffle des Ancêtres

BIRAGO DIOP
“Spirits”
“Listen to Things
More often than Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the sighs of the bush;
This is the ancestors breathing.
Those who are dead are not ever gone;
They are in the darkness that grows lighter
And in the darkness that grows darker.
The dead are not down in the earth;
They are in the trembling of the trees
In the groaning of the woods,
In the water that runs,
In the water that sleeps,
They are in the hut, they are in the crowd:
The dead are not dead.
Listen to things
More often than beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the bush that is sighing:
This is the breathing of ancestors,
Who have not gone away
Who are not under earth
Who are not really dead.
Those who are dead are not ever gone;
They are in a woman’s breast,
In the wailing of a child,
And the burning of a log,
In the moaning rock,
In the weeping grasses,
In the forest and the home.
The dead are not dead.
Listen more often
To Things than to Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind to
The bush that is sobbing:
This is the ancestors breathing.
Each day they renew ancient bonds,
Ancient bonds that hold fast
Binding our lot to their law,
To the will of the spirits stronger than we
To the spell of our dead who are not really dead,
Whose covenant binds us to life,
Whose authority binds to their will,
The will of the spirits that stir
In the bed of the river, on the banks of the river,
The breathing of spirits
Who moan in the rocks and weep in the grasses.
Spirits inhabit
The darkness that lightens, the darkness that darkens,
The quivering tree, the murmuring wood,
The water that runs and the water that sleeps:
Spirits much stronger than we,
The breathing of the dead who are not really dead,
Of the dead who are not really gone,
Of the dead now no more in the earth.
Listen to Things
More often than Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the bush that is sobbing:
This is the ancestors, breathing.”
–Birago Diop

Sense8

Sense8

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Sense8 is one of the best TV series that I’ve seen. All 12 episodes were released by Netflix at the same time and I saw them all over 3 days. It’s a science fiction story that has resonances with X-Men, Alphas and Heroes in that it centres around a group of people who are either the next step in human evolution or else a parallel development. At any rate we have 8 young people who were born at the same time and whose emphatic or telepathic connection has been triggered by the death of a psychic mother figure. Apart from the plot, which involves evading an evil nemesis who wants to control them, the story is about the relationships between the members of this group that is diverse in ethnicity and sexuality. They have the ability to be, psychically, in the same place as another group member or ‘sense8’ even though there are physically in different parts of the world. At times the story feels like a metaphor about and a meditation on connectedness and individuality. The theme of connectedness is not confined to the relationships between the ‘Sense8’s’; each Sense8 is dealing with a connection with a mother, father, lover, friend, family that defines his or her identity.

The series is beautifully filmed in locations across the world, including London. For all its emphasis on relationships, action is not neglected and there are enough fight and flight sequences to spice the story. These 12 episodes had the feel of an ‘origin’ story and I look forward to another series. Best thing though is the invitation that the story offers for us to think about our own connectedness with others and about our individuality.

Light and Shadow

Light and Shadow

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I spent the day out with my mother. I see her three days ever weeks. I don’t write about her. She has Alzheimer’s disease. I find it painful to think and talk much about her condition.

Writing is important, whether anyone reads it, whether anyone understands it. It is useful creatively and psychologically. It is useful to share ideas honestly, openly, and engage in dialogue about how we change ourselves, our relationships and our world.

But there is much that is too personal to share and that should not be shared because the writer’s life is not just the writer’s story but also the story of those in the writer’s life.

Also, not all of our perceptions, feelings, opinions and choices can be safely shared. There is the danger of being misunderstood or of giving offence. Sometimes it is the shadow that has to be hidden, sometimes it is the light. It’s always good to examine our own light and shadow but not always good or safe to expose them.

I feel physically exhausted at the end of this week. I’ve run a little and gardened a fair amount, I’ve done Tai Chi and Wing Tsun intensively. I’ve taught and I’ve planned a little. I’ve driven a lot.. I’ve seen that Cider and Doritos in the evenings is not the best adjunct to physical training. Nevertheless it has been a good week.